FSBO, what is that? For Sale By Owner. What is for sale? My house!! Anyone, anyone want to buy it? I love my house, it is still practically brand new, only eleven months old now. And yet I am selling it. Why? I am moving to a new city, a much better city at that.
Everytime the phone rings, I check my caller ID and see if it is someone that I know. If it isn't I quickly pray they want my house and try my best to answer with a 'cheery' Hello! I answer the questions and hope that they will come and see my house. Who wouldn't love it?? It is beautiful!
When someone decides to come and walk through I clean like a mad woman, and light a nice cinnamon roll candle, open every blind, turn on every light, and do everything I can to make my house appear as nice and as homey as possible. And each person who comes I wonder are they the one, the special one who wants my house?
I obsess over my house, is it clean enough, did they like it, are they going to make an offer?? Why are the leaving me and not buying it?
So far we have a family who has made a contingent offer, they have to sell theirs, but we did a 48 hour bump, so if I get another offer they have 48 hours to sell theirs.
I showed it yesterday to a lady who loved it, (they all seem to say that) and wants to bring her husband back through. I hope she does, I just want a buyer. It has only been four weeks, which really isn't that long. I am not a patient woman though.
I think this might be enough to push a girl over the edge!! You would think since this is my third home I am selling in over six years I would be a pro, and that I would not be worried.. Yeah right.
It will work out, I just need one person.. that is it just one.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
14
Fourteen, that is the number of pills I take every day, so I can supposedly feel 'normal'. But really what is normal? Everynight I take them and lately it is all I can do to swallow the handfull of pills, and yes I take them all at once! I look at them with resent and irritation. I know that meds can be so good for you, and I know that without them I would be so much worse, but I am sick of the fact that my body needs them. I am only 25, how many will I be on when I am 75? Like 50 a day.
Often it feels like my body is failing me. It has been a bigger struggle for me in the past couple of months than it has been in quite a while. I get discouraged when out of the past two months I have had ten good days. Ten, that is all! And by good days, I mean days where walking up the stairs isn't horribly painful, where playing the piano, and typing don't kill my hands, where pouring my kids a glass of milk doesn't bring tears to my eyes.
I never like to admit how bad I am feeling, I feel like by doing that I am admitting failure. I shouldn't complain, because if I complain it is winning, and I am losing my battle of being the tough girl. I don't know how else to deal with it but in denial. Most days if anyone asks me how it is going I say Great, never better! Totally lying through my teeth. (this is just lately, I was really great until Novemberish..) I don't want anyone to know what I am dealing with or how hard it is on me sometimes. I need to be strong and be okay for me to deal. It is how I cope, how I still manage. If I pretend it really isn't there, and really isn't bad then it is okay, right?
I think the hardest thing is allowing others to help me. If I need help I feel I am failing as a Mom, and a wife. Is it really fair to my kids to have to have ME as a mother who can't do it all on her own some days. Is it fair to my husband to have to carry me up the stairs when it is all I can do to do it? It embarrasses me to no end. I am the athletic girl who runs, plays basketball, lifts tons of weights and does it all, not the sick girl! Until a few months ago I was going strong doing it all, and then I crashed.. I hit rock bottom, and I feel like I am crawling up a cave wall in the dark, with no idea what is going on. No idea how I am going to get really better and stay that way. It has scared me, I have been terrified what if this gets worse, what if it moves to my kidneys? What the freak is wrong with me?? What happened to ME?
Most days it really doesn't bug me, but today.. well it does. We are still working out some kinks in my meds, and I know once we get it straightened out I will feel so much better! I know my Lupus could be so much worse, and that I could have something much worse, I really shouldn't complain. I do feel better getting it out though.
I keep these feelings so bottled up.. I don't want people to see how scared I am sometimes, or my weaknesses. I don't want to be labeled the sick girl. When I am honest with people and tell them I am not feeling good I get three reactions. 1. The look of pity. Like oh you poor girl, that is so sad you have to deal with that. 2. The look of sadness. The look is a great sense of sadness in people's eyes. They don't know what to do but I see it makes them sad. My Mom gives it to me a lot, she gets teary eyed, and tells me she is sorry, I hug her and say Mom it's not your fault. Better me than her right? Or anyone else I know. 3. Well only person really gives it to me, and it my wonderful husband, the look of it is okay, we all have our own issues. He looks at me with love and care, and basically the same way he does everyday. I know it doesn't change what he thinks about me. He married me knowing I had these issues, almost seven years ago.
On a good note, I have learned so much from it that I wouldn't trade it for anything. We all go through things to develop who we are, I am still learning, and will be for a long time. It will be okay...
breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
breathe out
Often it feels like my body is failing me. It has been a bigger struggle for me in the past couple of months than it has been in quite a while. I get discouraged when out of the past two months I have had ten good days. Ten, that is all! And by good days, I mean days where walking up the stairs isn't horribly painful, where playing the piano, and typing don't kill my hands, where pouring my kids a glass of milk doesn't bring tears to my eyes.
I never like to admit how bad I am feeling, I feel like by doing that I am admitting failure. I shouldn't complain, because if I complain it is winning, and I am losing my battle of being the tough girl. I don't know how else to deal with it but in denial. Most days if anyone asks me how it is going I say Great, never better! Totally lying through my teeth. (this is just lately, I was really great until Novemberish..) I don't want anyone to know what I am dealing with or how hard it is on me sometimes. I need to be strong and be okay for me to deal. It is how I cope, how I still manage. If I pretend it really isn't there, and really isn't bad then it is okay, right?
I think the hardest thing is allowing others to help me. If I need help I feel I am failing as a Mom, and a wife. Is it really fair to my kids to have to have ME as a mother who can't do it all on her own some days. Is it fair to my husband to have to carry me up the stairs when it is all I can do to do it? It embarrasses me to no end. I am the athletic girl who runs, plays basketball, lifts tons of weights and does it all, not the sick girl! Until a few months ago I was going strong doing it all, and then I crashed.. I hit rock bottom, and I feel like I am crawling up a cave wall in the dark, with no idea what is going on. No idea how I am going to get really better and stay that way. It has scared me, I have been terrified what if this gets worse, what if it moves to my kidneys? What the freak is wrong with me?? What happened to ME?
Most days it really doesn't bug me, but today.. well it does. We are still working out some kinks in my meds, and I know once we get it straightened out I will feel so much better! I know my Lupus could be so much worse, and that I could have something much worse, I really shouldn't complain. I do feel better getting it out though.
I keep these feelings so bottled up.. I don't want people to see how scared I am sometimes, or my weaknesses. I don't want to be labeled the sick girl. When I am honest with people and tell them I am not feeling good I get three reactions. 1. The look of pity. Like oh you poor girl, that is so sad you have to deal with that. 2. The look of sadness. The look is a great sense of sadness in people's eyes. They don't know what to do but I see it makes them sad. My Mom gives it to me a lot, she gets teary eyed, and tells me she is sorry, I hug her and say Mom it's not your fault. Better me than her right? Or anyone else I know. 3. Well only person really gives it to me, and it my wonderful husband, the look of it is okay, we all have our own issues. He looks at me with love and care, and basically the same way he does everyday. I know it doesn't change what he thinks about me. He married me knowing I had these issues, almost seven years ago.
On a good note, I have learned so much from it that I wouldn't trade it for anything. We all go through things to develop who we are, I am still learning, and will be for a long time. It will be okay...
breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
breathe out
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Is it over yet?
Somedays Church is just so much fun! And then there are the days, well that we wonder why go, what is the point, and wouldn't it be easier to be home and let them nap? Today was one of those days. Normally my husband is helping my wrestle my children through Sacrament Meeting, but today I was all alone. My dear husband was on an airplane gone for the next two weeks, but that is another story.
The kids were quite sad that Daddy had left today, and had shed some tears wanting to go back and get him. How awful for Mommy to leave him!! So back to the point. We are leaving and my sweet baby girl 2 1/2 wants to bring her My Little Pony Jewelry Box that plays music, I figure sure as long as we don't take it in. Normally she is VERY reasonable about that, notice I say normally! Today we arrive at Church and I had to pry it out of her hand, and get her out of the car screaming bloody murder. She cried for 10 minutes after we got there. Thankfully we were early.. How I don't know, but we were! We get into the Chapel and my little man chooses the perfect spot for us. We sit down and the next thing that happens is his container of cereal is everywhere, I am talking serious explosion of Trix. It is okay, this kind of stuff happens to everyone right? So we are picking it up and I am thinking, I think we are done bringing snacks to Church, or we will be soon!
Opening song has started all is well, I think okay we can do this. There are just two of them, and one of me, it will be okay. Slow steady breaths, you can do this!! Little man needs to go potty, he is 4 and we have been allowing him to go alone lately and he has done very good, so I send him on his way, I know he will be back in a jiffy! Not to worry right? I see him pop his head in the door and then turn around and jet back out, so I decide he thinks because it is just Mom today he can go out and play, so I better go get him and bring him back. I dart out in the hall with my baby girl in hand and look for him. Nowhere is he to be seen. I figure he has went into the bathroom, I check the Women's it is empty, I look for a man to go into the Men's, but can't find one anywhere, so finally open the door, yell in and announce I am coming in. Thankfully no old men were in there, but neither was my little man. I look in a few more places I am sure he will be, and nothing. I am starting to get a little anxious, and I see a few people and ask them if they have seen him, each time I am told no. I start to panic.. I look in every room, and pop my head into the Chapel several times seeing if he has returned to his seat. Our Church has the hall that is endless so you can go around and around and around, so I was wondering if I was just missing him. I have six people helping me, and I run outside search the parking lot, mind you it is a cold day with a rain/snow mix today. Outside I realize I can't find him, and I break down and just cry, and yell for him. The fear of losing my little man. I decide I will look around the building once more, then it will be time to go in tell the Bishop he is missing and we really need to start a search, I am thinking Amber Alert and everything. I am seriously panicking how I am going to deal with this, my husband is out of town for hours and I lose our son? What kind of Mom am I? This has taken 15 minutes or so, but it seems like an eternity.
I go in determined to look all over one more time, and a friend grabs me and tells me they found him. He went in the other door shortly after I went out and was sitting with one of his good friends and their family. They were just happy to help out, had no idea I was going crazy looking for my boy. I was so relieved and felt so blessed that I found him.
Tonight when I tucked my kids into bed, I was grateful for their safety, and that I could be their Mommy! And I was so glad today when it was over. Hopefully next week will be better, it can't be worse right?
The kids were quite sad that Daddy had left today, and had shed some tears wanting to go back and get him. How awful for Mommy to leave him!! So back to the point. We are leaving and my sweet baby girl 2 1/2 wants to bring her My Little Pony Jewelry Box that plays music, I figure sure as long as we don't take it in. Normally she is VERY reasonable about that, notice I say normally! Today we arrive at Church and I had to pry it out of her hand, and get her out of the car screaming bloody murder. She cried for 10 minutes after we got there. Thankfully we were early.. How I don't know, but we were! We get into the Chapel and my little man chooses the perfect spot for us. We sit down and the next thing that happens is his container of cereal is everywhere, I am talking serious explosion of Trix. It is okay, this kind of stuff happens to everyone right? So we are picking it up and I am thinking, I think we are done bringing snacks to Church, or we will be soon!
Opening song has started all is well, I think okay we can do this. There are just two of them, and one of me, it will be okay. Slow steady breaths, you can do this!! Little man needs to go potty, he is 4 and we have been allowing him to go alone lately and he has done very good, so I send him on his way, I know he will be back in a jiffy! Not to worry right? I see him pop his head in the door and then turn around and jet back out, so I decide he thinks because it is just Mom today he can go out and play, so I better go get him and bring him back. I dart out in the hall with my baby girl in hand and look for him. Nowhere is he to be seen. I figure he has went into the bathroom, I check the Women's it is empty, I look for a man to go into the Men's, but can't find one anywhere, so finally open the door, yell in and announce I am coming in. Thankfully no old men were in there, but neither was my little man. I look in a few more places I am sure he will be, and nothing. I am starting to get a little anxious, and I see a few people and ask them if they have seen him, each time I am told no. I start to panic.. I look in every room, and pop my head into the Chapel several times seeing if he has returned to his seat. Our Church has the hall that is endless so you can go around and around and around, so I was wondering if I was just missing him. I have six people helping me, and I run outside search the parking lot, mind you it is a cold day with a rain/snow mix today. Outside I realize I can't find him, and I break down and just cry, and yell for him. The fear of losing my little man. I decide I will look around the building once more, then it will be time to go in tell the Bishop he is missing and we really need to start a search, I am thinking Amber Alert and everything. I am seriously panicking how I am going to deal with this, my husband is out of town for hours and I lose our son? What kind of Mom am I? This has taken 15 minutes or so, but it seems like an eternity.
I go in determined to look all over one more time, and a friend grabs me and tells me they found him. He went in the other door shortly after I went out and was sitting with one of his good friends and their family. They were just happy to help out, had no idea I was going crazy looking for my boy. I was so relieved and felt so blessed that I found him.
Tonight when I tucked my kids into bed, I was grateful for their safety, and that I could be their Mommy! And I was so glad today when it was over. Hopefully next week will be better, it can't be worse right?
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