5 Days

Today was a hard one. On the way to Church I was teary, I realized today was the last time that Randy, the kids and I would all be attending our home ward together for who knows how long. Next week we will be in Salt Lake City for Church, and then the next week I will be in WA, and he will be flying home. It made me sad. I think it set the tone for the day.

I was released from the organ. The Bishop told me, and as soon as he did I burst into tears. I hate doing that but I was on the verge already. And then I had people talk to me after Sunday School and before Relief Society started. Let's just say I cried through the opening hymn of Relief Society. I hadn't had the chance to tell everyone before that we were leaving, and so it was a shocker for some. And I looked around this Ward I have only been attending since September and I felt such a sadness to leave it. I always say a Ward is a Ward. But this one it's a real good one. Different than many I have been in. There is something about it that makes me so sad to leave it. Maybe it is because Randy is staying in it and I am not. It made me cry to leave. It was hard to say goodbye to so many people that we love. We only see them on Sunday but they have touched our lives for good. It broke my heart when my friend Nikki hugged me and cried as hard as I was crying. I hate crying but it always helps when you aren't alone in it. Makes me feel less crazy at least. My eyes hurt after Church. I hate that feeling too. I left Church feeling loved and knowing it would be okay. And knowing I was leaving behind great people.

My neighbors have vowed to see me as much as they can these next five days. We chatted today and I told them we weren't talking about this week. I was over crying and my eyes still hurt. Things I have realized I am good talking to my friends and people until I know it is the last time I am going to see them. The last time breaks my heart. If you don't want to see me cry, don't let me know it is the last time before I move.

I am feeling very optimistic tonight. I am grateful for friends who hug me and tell me I am doing the right thing and show their confidence in me. I need it right now. Because as much as I know that, it is still hard. And my friends getting that we have to do this helps so much. This isn't the path we would choose, but we don't always get to choose our paths in life.

Reality

This morning reality is setting in. I am leaving here. My kids are going with me. And Randy is going to continue to live here. I bought his one way plane ticket back here and it made me want to throw up. I hate the thought of him being here and me being there. It isn't the way life is supposed to be. And I feel selfish for choosing breathing. I know it is right but Randy is my better half. Without him I am not complete. And my kids. I worry so much about how this is going to effect them. I love just being our little family. I love our quiet evenings together being silly and having fun. I love the quiet moments Randy and I have after the children are sleeping tight in their beds. I love listening to him read them bedtime stories. I love my life. And I hate that it is changing for an unknown time.

I do know this is right. And what is right isn't always easy. But we do what is right, no matter how hard. And we trust in the Lord that He has a marvelous plan. We pray in faith for this plan to come quickly. My heart tells me it will all be okay. And I know it. I believe it. It doesn't mean that I won't miss the love of my life with every fiber of my being. What an adventure.

10 days.. and counting

I swear my life is so whirlwind. And since I started blogging way back in 2006, I have moved our of three houses, well this will be the third. That is crazy! And we have had to sell every single one of them. And thankfully it has always worked out in our favor. Seriously though, are you ready for me to get settled? Because I am. And I have no clue where home is going to be! How crazy is that?

My kids want a place to call home, and they are so over moving. I want a place to call home and put down roots. I blame my parents and Randy's that we move so often. For the first 15 1/2 years of my life I lived in the same house, in the same bedroom and my life was constant. And then we moved. And I haven't stayed in the same place for more than 2 years. If you do the math, the first HALF of my life I lived in the same place, same bedroom, same everything. The second HALF of my life I have moved every other year, if not more often. See my parents uprooted me and now I can't stay put. Their fault, not mine. Randy grew up Navy, enough said. There is something inside of me that wants to give my kids a home. They want it. I want it. Randy wants it. We are ready. At least I think we are.

It is hard to believe that in 10 days my Indiana journey will be over. That my kids and I will be leaving this state, and honestly I never ever plan to step foot in this Allergy ____ again. (Fill in the blank!) Love the people, hate that allergies. Love the area, hate the allergies. It's not the state it's the air quality and all this darn green stuff everywhere. Seriously, I am so over green. Wait I derailed my thought track. I don't feel ready to leave. The hardest thing for me is leaving behind my friends. Thankfully this wonderful thing called the Internet was invented and we can keep in touch. But I will miss running over to Emily's almost every morning in my morning garb of NYPD sweatshirt, or WSU if we are really snazzy, some random pair of pajama pants that may or may not match, my hair standing on end, mascara smeared on my face, a down coat on and my CUggs (Costco Uggs). I will miss chatting with Jena and Emily and their surprise when I am actually ready in the morning. Thankfully they love me no matter how crazy I look in the mornings, really I could be on the people of Wal-Mart. I will miss my many, many, many friends from Church. I could name them, but I would leave someone out, and then they would think I didn't like them. And well, that's mean. But I am realizing it is going to be so hard to see everyone. And I really want to.

Ten days. That sounds so short. Am I ready? No. But yes. Breathing normally again. I can't wait! I was at the mall today, and had to go to the bathroom super bad, and I couldn't find one. I finally found a map, and stared it until I found the YOU ARE HERE sticker. And I saw where the bathroom was, Macy's, I could totally walk there. So I walked, and I didn't talk on the phone or to anyone, (that takes a lot of air when you are running on 50% in case you were wondering) but by the time I walked to Macy's and found the bathroom I could hardly catch my breath and I was wheezing horribly. I wish I could say this wasn't normal. But it is. I used my inhaler and decided before I made that L-O-N-G (read really not long, pathetically short) walk again I would shop to let my lungs rest a little bit. It helped I came out of there with a new shirt and I walked even slower out of the store through the mall and to my car. I won't miss that. I am ready to breathe. But I am not ready to say good-bye.

Leaping

Sometimes in life we have to leap. And we don't always know the outcome of our leap. But we go blindly and with faith. Sometimes the leaps are little and sometimes they feel huge. And eventually we land or a parachute catches us after our leap. You never know when it is going to come but you hope and pray that your safety net is there quickly.

In thirteen days my children and I are packing up the van with clothes, favorite toys and the dogs and driving cross country. We are leaving Indiana. We are going back to Washington State. Randy will drive with us, and then fly back until we can figure out where he will transfer to. But Indiana and I don't get along to well. It tries to kill me and my body is fighting back.. but the fight is getting much harder and more than I can always do. My lungs are tired. My body is tired and my heart hurts that I am leaving my best friend here while I go to safety. But breathing is important. And we are doing what we have to do right now. Hard choices.

We have a whole lot of unknown. I am grateful for my parents welcoming us to their home. And grateful for many more family members and friends who will welcome us too. We don't have a lot of answers and all of the details right now. But we know that we are doing what we are supposed to be.

Today I have boxed up toys and things that aren't necessary right now. We have cleaned and organized. Replaced light fixtures and changed out faucets. Our home is for sale. And we have no idea where our next home will be. I am filled with so many mixed emotions. I have fantastic friends who I love dearly here. And the thought of moving far away makes me sad. But I know it is right.

We are leaping. We are taking a huge leap of faith and trusting in our Heavenly Father that He will help us land safely. My heart is filled with many emotions. I have fought back tears today realizing what is really happening in our life. And I have been blessed with the most amazing peace ever. We know this is right. But what is right isn't always easy. We have faith that the Lord will bless us as we trust in Him. And we are praying daily for the right plan to work out. We're leaping. A big giant leap.

Day 502 of Snow

The snow is still coming. It has been a very, very, very long time since all of the ground was clear of this white stuff. At first it brought excitement. We were joyful. But slowly our joy has wained. The cold is overpowering any joy we felt. The slick roads are detouring any desire to go anywhere. The snow is overrated.

I always love the look of fresh snow. But let me tell you, old snow, not so hot. At the end of our driveway, someone let their dog take a big old poop in the snow. And they left it! Seriously big big dog poopy, did they not see it sitting there? We sure did. Gross. The yellow pee all over the snowbanks at the end of the driveway, gross. That is not what I want to see. I have dogs, I get that they go to the bathroom. But thankfully my dogs choose an area in the back where it isn't visible to all at all times. Right now my driveway looks like a doggy outhouse. If I only we could go and return the favor. And by that I mean my dogs, not we as in people. But I don't have that much energy, so instead I will blog about it. And I will spare you pictures. I don't even want to see pictures of that. GROSS!

Day 502. We are over it.

My Valentine!

A few things I love about Randy!

He is an awesome Dad. He went to Lego World with Little Man and took Little Miss to American Girl, willingly!

He is a hard worker.

He is a great provider for our family.

He is faithful to his convictions, and a righteous Priesthood holder.

He never points out my flaws, and trust me there are plenty.

He laughs at my stupid humor.

He never makes me feel like my health issues are a burden.

He loves me for me.

He is my best friend ever.

I am blessed he picked me to spend forever with.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happiness is:

My husband who loves me. More than I could ever imagine.

My children who squeeze me and whisper I am the best Mom ever. Even when I am not.

Friends who love me and listen to me. They teach me how to be a better friend.

Knowing my loving Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Even when I don't really get it.

Is realizing that my 'dumb dog' is barking for a reason. She wanted her other 'dumb friend' to come back home.

Laughing until you cry. And allowing the tears to come.

Happiness is a Mission, I am always on. To be happy. To find joy. To see the blessings in my life. I am blessed more than I deserve. My Mission is to find the happiness and the joy. Be on the look out for more happy things.

Spring is here.

It's ironic I would say that after blogging about our snow day. Which we have a little bit more than we did yesterday. However it is true. Just ask my watery eyes, my runny nose, my sneezing self. Spring is here. The trees are showing new growth. Some plants have small buds where they are growing and will shoot out leaves. In just a few weeks this cold will be gone. And Spring will be in full force. Love Spring. Hate my Allergies.

Snow Day 2010

Today is a snow day. School is cancelled, though I don't think we had near enough snow to cancel school. But I am enjoying having my kids home nonetheless. We are enjoying a lazy day. It is almost 5:00 and my kids have not changed out of their jammies, they are happy and enjoying a day snuggled up warm in our home.

Little Miss is happy to watch her older brother play Super Mario on Wii, and snuggle with her cat Cinderella, she has been freshly washed, and is bright white again!!

Little Man is focused. He wants to get 100 guys. He is determined and enjoying a day of Wii and relaxing.
Little Man is so happy today. He decided he could pause for me and show me his smile. And I have to say while it is snowing today the light is wonderful. The bright white snow is great for reflecting and helping the to look great. I am loving it.

Little Miss is always ready to jump in and smile. She is enjoying our snuggle time and spending time together. Our snow day is fun and lazy. We aren't going outside and playing in it. Something to do with it being cold and my crazy lungs that lock up in this cold.

More like Him.

I have been pondering in my life how I can be better. What I can do to improve myself, and who I am. I have thought of things I do and say and I wonder do my actions show that I want to be like Him. I hope they do. But I know they don't always.

I have been reading Sheri Dew's book, 'If Life were Easy, it wouldn't be Hard' I love it. I have read it before but I enjoy reading it again. Slowly. Taking it in. And last night I came across a paragraph that I had heard before, read before and loved before. And I have to share it.

"So on those days when we're not ready to stop being offended about something, not ready to forgive someone, still determined to give the silent treatment, and so on, what we're actually saying is,'Wait! I don't want to be more like the Savior today. Maybe tomorrow when I'm able to let go of some irritation or injustice.'"

I love this. I love the simple truths. If I am a more charitable person I can be more like the Savior. And it comes down to if I want to be a better person I need to be more charitable. Be more like Him. That is the attribute the describes Him the best, charity. I work to have charity for those around me. For my children when I am lacking in patience with them. When they are being unpleasant, I try to remember to see them as He sees them, and not to react in a way that will leave me feeling worse.

I read a blog today of a mother who recently gave birth to a sweet little girl who has down syndrome. It brought back the day when my sister was born over 13 years ago. I saw a beautiful and perfect sister. A girl I had prayed for since I was very little. A girl I loved more than any girl could love a sister. I was bonded to her instantly. That girl loves like no other, and she has charity for all those around her. She is an example of living like Him.

I want to be more patient. More understanding. I have come to truly see how you can never know what all is going on in someones life until you have walked in their shoes for a very long time. How grateful I am for my Savior who knows me individually. And for the charity He shows to me. It helps me to be more charitable towards myself. I believe we as women should be more charitable towards ourselves. I think often we beat ourselves up for the imperfections we have. We see our glaring flaws, and He sees how wonderful we truly are, the daughters of God that we are.

I want to be more like Him.