Oxygen..

I remember my Junior year of High School. I started to get winded often. I had a cough that wouldn't go away, and my body just didn't seem right. My Mom took me to the doctor and I was diagnosed with a variety of things. And finally after weeks of waking up short of breath, endless tests and every other thing you could imagine I was diagnosed with asthma. I was sixteen and had no idea that you could just 'get' asthma. And I had no idea how much my life would change forever.

My senior year of high school and the subsequent months after high school my asthma was crazy out of control. I landed my butt in the hospital more times than I care to admit, sometimes in the ER, and sometimes admitted and treated for days at a time. Who knew that breathing could be so hard?! Who knew that oxygen was completely vital.. and something I would have to focus on getting?! Okay I knew it was vital.. but seriously I never imagined having to focus on breathing so much. Breathe in, breathe out.

I continued on a course with ER visits and many problems over the years. Finally Advair came out and I became the poster child for Advair.

Before Advair=not breathing.

After Advair=breathing like a rockstar!

Let's fast forward to last year. We moved. We moved far away and moved to one of the worst places in the nation for allergies and for asthma. Awesome huh? And my Advair has failed me. Over the past year I have watched my lungs slip back to where they were when I was a Senior in high school. Slip back to extreme irritation and rapid reactions. I walked up my stairs last night and it took all my effort to get the oxygen in and out. I used my handy dandy inhaler and rested a bit before washing my face. As I stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror I remembered life before. I remembered walking up the stairs when I was 15 and not having a problem. Running and not wheezing. Doing whatever I wanted without coughing my head off. And I wondered why it came on so late in life. To be honest I think having it forever would be easier. I remembered life before doctors considered me a severe asthmatic. When fires didn't cause me to gasp. When cleaners didn't make it impossible for me to breathe. When mold didn't cause an instant attack. When everything outdoors didn't cause me to have to focus on breathing. I remembered life before my nebulizer. Life before my inhaler became my best friend. Life before tons of asthma/allergy drugs everyday. Life before.

Last night I missed my life before. Last night I was ready for my life before to come back. And this life where oxygen is often a constant thought to be a thing of the past. I wondered if my kids will have my same fate? I sure hope not. And then I went to bed. Wishing that it this things wasn't a part of my life. And that I could just get new lungs. Wouldn't that be nice?

And then I woke up this morning. I grabbed my inhaler took a hit before I could go anywhere, stumbled down the stairs and focused on breathing and catching my breath. And I was reminded of the little things in life. My children who are compassionate and willing to help Mom in any way. They know to grab my nebulizer when I need it. They will willingly find my inhaler when I lose it. I am reminded that life could be much worse. While this is a trial for me, many other people suffer much worse. And how blessed I am to be born now when there are medicines that open my airways and make it so I can breathe. Had I been a pioneer I would have died a million times by now. While I like oxygen to flow in easily. And I like not thinking breathe in.. breathe out.. relax.. just breathe. I am grateful for my blessings... and my trials.