Sometimes it still hurts.

My baby is 7 1/2.  Do you know what that means?  It has been since June of 2003 that I was pregnant.  Sometimes that makes me hurt.  Everywhere.  It's been a long time since I learned we were done adding children to our family, and I know we made the right choice.  But it doesn't take it all away.

One thing I hate about moving.  People always ask about why we have two children and why we don't have more.  My Little Man took fertility drugs to get here.  That felt so hard at the time.  Then Little Miss came on her own.  Our little miracle girl.  She was an answer to a prayer offered one year before.  I never imagined when I was a little girl that my time to have children would be so short.  That my life would be vastly different from the one I had imagined.  When people ask I have to figure out the right response.  Appropriate or not.  We try all the time.  We're done, I'm fixed.  No, we don't like children.  We keep praying for a miracle.  Hmmm.. we hadn't even thought about that.  And my list goes on and on.  I really don't mind people asking.  But sometimes I cry when they ask.  Then they feel awkward.. I feel stupid.  Sometimes I act quite callous about it.  Sometimes it comes out of me like I am a machine.  Sometimes it comes out with sadness, but the tears stay away.  And sometimes I can't answer.

Sometimes it just hurts.  But most of the time I am able to look at what I do have, the opportunities we have because of the size of our family, and the blessings we have.  Would I have made the choice?  Nope.  But it works.  It's all I know.  My husband and my two wonderful children.  The pain comes when I least expect it.  The tears come when I think I am over it.  And then I remember how blessed I am to be HERE to be there Mom.  How grateful I am to be HERE and able to raise them.

Easing My Heart

This speaks to my heart. Life doesn't always go as you plan. And sometimes it feel harder than you can imagine. And lately it's been hard. This poke to my soul. My heart heard this. And a message I have always known hit me and comforted me in a time when I have needed it. I have felt broken. I still do. But I know that through Christ it will change. What a wonderful reminder.