Belly Flop

Little Man. He loves the water. Loves it. And he is a fabulous swimmer. He is on swim team and is doing an amazing job. I don’t have a swimming picture I love. But I can’t post about him without a picture. So I dug through and found a picture from the Splash Park that I took with my little Canon point and shoot.

While at swim team practice today he begged to go off of the high dive. My friend Kristy the dive team coach obliged and he went up and jumped off. This is the second time he has done this, and today he was brave. Braver than me. He ran. He jumped. And then he belly flopped from the high dive. I cringed. I gasped. I stood there wondering why I left my camera at home on this of all days. I wondered if when he surfaced if he would scream and cry. But then I remembered while he may only be 7. He is my kid. And he is brave. And tough. Kristy ran to him. I told her he would be fine. I was right. He came out doing his Beavis laugh and saying Wow, that hurt. His chest and belly were red. But he giggled. He told me he meant to do it. But later confessed he wanted to do a flip like the big kids.

This is Little Man. He is bold and brave. And does a wicked Belly Flop. Please don’t ask to see it, he might just do a repeat.

A Tender Mercy

Today I decided to drive about twenty miles to go to the next closest building for Church. Since the mold in our Church causes me to have an asthma attack every week, something new was in need. I will admit today I went with great hesitancy. I was worried it wouldn't work. Worried it would feel weird. And just worried. Last night I thought I could just stay home. But I knew I needed to go.

This morning I got up and poor Randy was still hurting. He threw his back out yesterday and his been in a great deal of pain since then. He was in bed. I hate seeing him hurt so much. I did my best to make sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed. And then the kids and I were out the door going to a different Church building. They were sad we weren't going to 'our' ward. So was I. But I told them we needed to just try and put our best faces forward. So we did.

We arrived early. I like to be early. We found our seats, the kids checked out the bathrooms and the drinking fountains and then we sat through a wonderful meeting. I am not sure I have felt the Spirit so strong in a meeting in a long time. Maybe it was because I could breathe easily. And after a successful Sacrament meeting I shuffled the kids off to Primary and I went to Sunday School. And then to Relief Society. I focused a lot on my breathing. Was my chest tight? Wheezing? Was I coughing? Nope. None of them. I was breathing the same as I was when I came in. Not perfect, but not any worse. And I felt like the Lord was very aware of ME. I needed that. More than I have needed it in a long time. A tender mercy to be able to sit through three hours of Church and breathe.

When I found my kids after Church they begged to come back next week. They loved their classes and the Bishop gives all of the kids a candy treat after Primary every week. Sugar+my kids=very happy children.

After only attending Sacrament all summer long because of my breathing this Sunday was one of the best Sunday's in months. My heart soared. The Spirit was so strong. And I had what I needed. What I desperately have been missing for months. I need to be spiritually fed each week. And I need to be surrounded by those who believe what I believe. I have missed it greatly. More than I realized. I have been told I am not myself lately. I haven't understood it at all. And at times I have been like I am just me.. just sick. But today I realized what was different besides being sick. I have been beating myself up non-stop for not being able to attend all of my meetings. For not being able to do it all. And feeling like I have failed. I have felt alone, and forgotten. I feel like the past several months have been amongst the hardest for me. But today I felt remembered. The lack of Church has affected all aspects of my life. And today I felt like there was a healing that is starting. My lungs are still having their own issues. But my heart, my soul, my spirit they are healing.

Ode To Ramen

I love Top Ramen.

When I was a kid we had it almost every Wednesday. I hated Top Ramen.

Want to know why I hated it? Because my brother loved it. And we always got what he wanted. I like Macaroni and Cheese better.

Then I grew up. And I realized that Ramen really was good. And it was a million times faster to make than Macaroni and Cheese.

I think I could live on Ramen for the rest of my life. I would be quite happy. But I would be full of MSG. Boo.

Reasons why Ramen is great.

It's quick. What is better than quick?

It is extremely versatile.

You can add cheese. Dump all the water and mix the spices straight in. Throw in jalapenos. Or some crumbled bacon. Mix it with stir fry. Dump the spices and make it more of a pasta. Throw an egg in it. The list goes on and on. Or you could just simply follow the instructions and make it as they suggest.

And I am realizing I haven't had Ramen in a long time. I think it needs to find its MSG filled package back into my pantry. It is the perfect I don't want to cook lunch/dinner/snack.

If you aren't feeling inspired yet to go buy Ramen and feed this to your children. Reread this. And recommit to eating Ramen. It is good for you. I promise. :)

Keeping it Real

Let's be honest. Do I ever not keep it real? I don't think so. What you see is what you get with me. Good, or bad. You pick.

In the spirit of being super real. Have I mentioned how awesome Randy is? Because he is THAT awesome. When I count my blessings he is at the top of my list.

I was talking to my sister in law today and she told me about a friend who just lost her husband. He was killed tragically at work. She is left with three children and pregnant with her fourth. My heart broke for her when she told me this. And I had tears for a woman I do not know, and she is only a few years older than me.

I thought about this. And I wondered do I treasure my husband like I should? Am I the type of wife I should be? I think most of the time the answer is yes. My husband is my best friend. Hands down. He knows me and gets me better than anyone. He loves me no matter what is going on and I am so very blessed. I will drop anything and everything minus my kids to spend time with Randy. I feel like I treasure him. I also feel very treasured by him. After ten years of being married I still would rather have him home and with me all day rather than gone and at work. A day with him home is fabulous. Sometimes I cannot wait until we are old and grey and can spend all day together, everyday.

But when I think about am I the type of wife I should be? I don't know. Sometimes I could scream from the hills absolutely. And other times I am dropping the ball left and right. Lately I feel like I am trying to juggle.. but with a blindfold on. It's not working so well. Randy has had to catch all the balls that go flying in every direction. And he does. Is he the type of husband he should be? Absolutely. There is no question in my mind. He willingly helps me in any way he can. But I feel like he is carrying the lions share right now. He carries my laundry upstairs, cleans up most of the dinner dishes, does the vacuuming, and helps me in any way he can. I love it. But I hate it. Due to the breathing issues I have going on he helps out when my breathing is crappy. And since that is way too often, he is doing way more than he should have to. I am trying to remedy a way to fix that. Anyone up for a lung transplant? Mine are fabulous.. really.. they are. :)

Along this way I am learning though. Learning that compassion is a great blessing. And I have a wonderfully compassionate husband who gets when I am just not up to par. He jumps to help me before I realize I am needing it. Randy never makes me feel like a burden. That is a huge blessing in itself. And he knows when things balance out again, and they will. That I will be right back there doing my full share, and trying to do more of his, to help him out.

Today I have reflected on the wife I am. And the wife I want to be. I want to be a kinder wife. A gentler wife. I want to make sure I am always Randy's biggest fan. I want him to always know he can count on me to have his back no matter what. I want to be the biggest blessing in his life, like he is in mine. After all, he has me for eternity.

Little Rock

I failed to mention that I was going away on an airplane. I had been counting down the days until I left and finally the time came and on Wednesday I was off to Little Rock. All by myself. I was excited, and nervous.

[b]ecker who is from Orange County, California was going to be in Little Rock, Arkansas for a wedding. And while he was there he decided to do a fabulous workshop. Since I have literally stalked his blog for years I decided I HAD to go. It wasn't that I wanted to go, I was obligated. He is one of the best Wedding Photographers and I wanted to learn from him. I tried my hardest to get a friend to go with me, and thankfully Lei, obliged, and she met me late that night. It was fun to chat and go to wonderful Wal-Mart in Little Rock. I was surprised how far we had to drive to get there.

Thursday morning was workshop time. I seriously was so excited. Can you tell?

We learned a ton. All about our image, images, attitude, and infrastructure. I won't go into all of the details and bore you. But I was loving it all. My brain was completely overwhelmed, good thing I was taking notes on my Wonder Woman notebook. Everyone else was much more high class with their laptops. I don't have one. I rocked the notebook. If you want to know more ask me. :)

We were able to watch Becker work an engagement shoot. It was fabulous. And we could get a few shots in too. This is one of my favorites from the day.
After it was over we all hung out at the Flying Saucer until late into the night. We chatted, we laughed. And it was fabulous. I didn't take my camera, but I am hoping to find some pictures from that night. Lei and I stayed up way too late talking and having fun.

Friday it was time to go home. I must admit I wasn't sad to leave wet Arkansas. I was ready to see my family. I am grateful I went. And I cannot wait to go to another workshop again. But not too soon. Lei was wonderful company, and I cannot thank her enough for going. It was a much needed break for me. And she took the pictures of me on here! Thank you, thank you!

If you are a photographer and are wanting to connect with other photographers go to the [b]school and sign up. It is an amazing resource for photographers and a great place to learn.

Little Rock. It was pretty awesome.

Braver Than Me

This year she climbed the rope. All the way to the top. She is way braver than me. I would have screamed half way up and probably let go crashing to severely broken bones. But not this girl. She is determined. And she is strong. She climbed to the top and my stomach twisted in knots, I worried as she was nearly 30 feet in the air. But she did it. She rang the bell, and she beamed. She may be my Little Miss, but she is strong, brave and determined.

I remember..

wondering how my life would change.

if we would ever be safe.

what type of world my children would have to grow up in.

if this was the start of a great war.

if attacks would keep coming.

feeling more patriotic than ever.

being extremely scared.

tears.. a lot of tears, they came freely.

fearing for my unborn son.

being grateful that I lived in a free country.

our country uniting.

fearing to fly on an airplane.

the news that we stared at non-stop.

loving my country even more.

holding Randy a little closer.

tears streaming down my face when I saw our Flag and heard the National Anthem.

wishing that we could turn back time.

mourning for all those who died.

feeling sincere gratitude for the Firemen and Police Officers who served and gave their lives helping others.

I remember 9.11.01

I vow to never forget.

9.11.01 it changed our Country, my life.

It changed me.

The Luckiest..

I was 8 when I last remember really begging my Mom for a sister. I begged for a little sister, and then I realize my Mom was 40. I guess I realized then that I was destined to be that baby. And I lived it up! I took advantage of every minute of being the baby in the family. I milked it for all it was worth. And then when I was 16 my spot was revoked. Although I still declare myself the baby, and my sister the itty-bitty. I have yet to completely realize that I am not the baby of the family.

Did you know I am the luckiest? Because I am. This girl is the best sister any sister could wish for. I have always had friends talk about their sisters, and the sweet relationships they have. I envied them. I wished for that relationship. It only took sixteen years, but I prayed for a sister for many years. And finally when I resolved that my Mom was too old I quit. But my heart never quit wishing. Good thing too!
This girl is turning 13 next month. I wish I was able to celebrate it with her. But this will be arriving at her house for her bedroom. A sister. A blessing. A best friend. A sister. I am the luckiest. And my kids feel they are the luckiest having an Aunt who calls them daily just to tell them they love them.

Understanding

While I don't get why my body is doing what it is doing. I don't understand why this is going on in my life, I do have understanding of other things.

No matter how discouraged we feel, it is important to remember those feelings are not from our loving Heavenly Father. Feelings of failure, discouragement, and the false sense of being unworthy, unappreciated, and unloved are from the adversary himself. They bring us down. But when we remember the unreserved love of our Heavenly Father we are lifted and blessed. I need to remember this in my life. To allow my Heavenly Father to lift and bless me, and to have my heart open to it. Sometimes it is hard to remember.

Allison left this scripture for me, Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3

1 VERILY I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

I didn't know how much I needed to read that. I am reminded that no matter what my prayers are heard. They do not fall on deaf ears. He hears me. He knows my heart right now. I am not alone. He gets it. And while this will pass, right now it's okay to feel like it is hard. Life isn't always easy.

And I am feeling grateful to my friends who send notes of love, call, leave fabulous blog comments, and offer to help in ways I am not even aware I need. And the prayers of my friends and family bless my sweet little family so much.

As long as I rely on Him. I remember that I can do hard thing. And this right now is a hard thing.

Being Honest

There is something about me that has a VERY hard time admitting when things are hard. Especially admitting them publicly. And letting people know I am struggling. It's not me. I don't do that. I am a lot more private about hard things in my life. If I ignore it, if I don't talk about it, it isn't real. It works for me. Call it denial, call it what you want. It works. I manage by dealing and going through all the motions and just being me.

But right now I feel like being honest. Since June I haven't been able to stay in our Church building for more than Sacrament meeting which is one hour without having an asthma attack. Some people might be like great. Me, it sucks. I had no idea how incredibly hard this would be on, spiritually, socially, physically, emotionally. It has been one of the hardest things for me to go through. Who knew? Certainly not me.

My asthma is in what my doctor calls a hyper-sensitive state where pretty much every darn thing sets me off. Jealous, don't be. Because of that where the building has always called allergy issues it is now setting me off where I wheeze, I cough and slowly I get so I can't breathe. After a few more severe attacks I just leave as soon as I get tight. Yesterday I stayed a little longer and paid the price dearly.

Things I realize I am missing right now, and missing a lot. I miss the whole three hours of Church. I love the Spiritual uplift it brings to me. I need it. And I am trying to find my fill on my own right now. It is hard. I miss being in Primary and playing Piano. I love that calling. And I felt at home their. I miss it greatly.

I miss my friends. I feel so completely out of the loop and disconnected it's not funny. I had no idea not seeing them on Sunday's would leave me feeling like I have no clue what is going on. It does. And everyone is busy so I get it. I miss my life pre-June. But I miss that part of Church. Even when I didn't see them any other time I saw my friends at Church. I miss that.

I am so tired. Emotionally, and physically. I wish I could say this has all been rainbows and fluffy clouds. But it hasn't been. Poor Randy has had to deal with my tears more than once. I have been ready to scream, throw a fit, and just throw in the towel. And I hate to ever complain because really I have been blessed with so much in my life. But to be honest I am tired of it. I feel extreme guilt for not staying for all of Church. It isn't me. I don't do this crap. But the guilt is hard. I keep thinking if I keep trying it will get easier. It shouldn't be this hard to go to Church. Really, it shouldn't. But right now it is. I think most Sunday's I cry. Pathetic as it is. I just leave feeling like I failed. It's a hard spot to be in.

So being honest. Right now life is a struggle. Things aren't going as I would picture them. My kids plea for Mommy to get better in their prayers. And I learned yesterday to pray to endure, because right now that is all I know to do. I struggle right now because even vacuuming my house flares my asthma. Poor Randy had to clean it on Saturday because the all the cleaners flare me. I can't paint my little girls finger nails it flares me. But I am blessed with a husband who knows me. He knows that right now I am going through a hard time. He knows that we will get through this stronger, and better. And he knows right now I need him to support me, so I can get through this hard time. A time when I have struggled more than I care to admit in my life. A time when being honest leads to crocodile tears. How did I get so lucky to marry a guy who was warned if you are going to marry her, you need health insurance, always. He must really love me. I wish he didn't have to put up with this. That I wasn't broken. I couldn't have wished for a better person who is my best friend no matter what happens. Love you Randy. I am not sure what I would do without you.

Sometimes I wish..

That everyday was Saturday.

For ice cream for dinner.

That this girl lived near me everyday. (Okay I wish that everyday.)

That I could always see rainbows.

That unicorns were real.

That every wish my kids made on a star would come true.

For world peace.

That Tiffany, Misty and Allison were near.

That time will freeze.

That I will never grow up.

That Randy never had to work again.

That I had a 'person' here.

That spring would last year round.

That my kids could see their favorite Aunt everyday.

That we never needed to exercise we were just really fit after eating lots of ice cream.

For silly things.

On stars for dreams I could only hope for.

For miracles to happen.

That the little things in life might be recognized more.

My crystal ball would actually work.

For my own private jet.

Or maybe my own Hot Air Balloon.

That I could hide my kids from the World, and myself too.

That my Mom was here, or I was there.

That family wasn't a days drive away.

That my kids will never give up wishing.

And neither will I.

Me Vs Van

I drive a mini van. Sometimes I wish my mini-van was anything but a mini-van. I often wish I was driving something much more me. More fun. Less blah. Something less like every other Mom. But I am practical. My van is mine. It runs well. I don't need anything else. I just like cars. And I often wish I had the money to have all the cars my little heart desired.

Right now I would like to drive something like this for my Mom car. For practical purposes. But I want it red with a white top. Totally unique. Totally me. And less blah.
But if we were going to put all practicality aside I would get this. I mean it does have four seat belts, so maybe it is practical. Today I drove this car. And it was hot. It was fast. And I think I drooled on the gorgeous red leather sears. I had forgotten how fun a car can be to drive. And how great a hot car like this truly is. I was reluctant to take it back to the dealership. I wondered if I just drove it home if they would just take my van as a fair trade. I mean it is way bigger. Sounds fair right? I wondered if I kept it for two hours if they would notice. And I tried desperately not to fall in love. But I am not sure if I succeeded.

And then I parked it. And I looked at my van. And I felt a little sorry for it. Did it know my heart was not with it anymore? That in my heart I look at it and think.. oh, it's you. That I secretly wish it would be gone in the night and something else would show up in it's place. My poor van, it doesn't have very much love.

While it isn't my ideal. While I may not love it. It is practical. It is ours. And it serves its purpose well. And so my van and I will continue on our journey with each other much longer. And I will gaze out the window and try not to lust after other cars that are less blah and more me. Because after all, it is just a car.