14

Fourteen, that is the number of pills I take every day, so I can supposedly feel 'normal'. But really what is normal? Everynight I take them and lately it is all I can do to swallow the handfull of pills, and yes I take them all at once! I look at them with resent and irritation. I know that meds can be so good for you, and I know that without them I would be so much worse, but I am sick of the fact that my body needs them. I am only 25, how many will I be on when I am 75? Like 50 a day.
Often it feels like my body is failing me. It has been a bigger struggle for me in the past couple of months than it has been in quite a while. I get discouraged when out of the past two months I have had ten good days. Ten, that is all! And by good days, I mean days where walking up the stairs isn't horribly painful, where playing the piano, and typing don't kill my hands, where pouring my kids a glass of milk doesn't bring tears to my eyes.
I never like to admit how bad I am feeling, I feel like by doing that I am admitting failure. I shouldn't complain, because if I complain it is winning, and I am losing my battle of being the tough girl. I don't know how else to deal with it but in denial. Most days if anyone asks me how it is going I say Great, never better! Totally lying through my teeth. (this is just lately, I was really great until Novemberish..) I don't want anyone to know what I am dealing with or how hard it is on me sometimes. I need to be strong and be okay for me to deal. It is how I cope, how I still manage. If I pretend it really isn't there, and really isn't bad then it is okay, right?
I think the hardest thing is allowing others to help me. If I need help I feel I am failing as a Mom, and a wife. Is it really fair to my kids to have to have ME as a mother who can't do it all on her own some days. Is it fair to my husband to have to carry me up the stairs when it is all I can do to do it? It embarrasses me to no end. I am the athletic girl who runs, plays basketball, lifts tons of weights and does it all, not the sick girl! Until a few months ago I was going strong doing it all, and then I crashed.. I hit rock bottom, and I feel like I am crawling up a cave wall in the dark, with no idea what is going on. No idea how I am going to get really better and stay that way. It has scared me, I have been terrified what if this gets worse, what if it moves to my kidneys? What the freak is wrong with me?? What happened to ME?
Most days it really doesn't bug me, but today.. well it does. We are still working out some kinks in my meds, and I know once we get it straightened out I will feel so much better! I know my Lupus could be so much worse, and that I could have something much worse, I really shouldn't complain. I do feel better getting it out though.
I keep these feelings so bottled up.. I don't want people to see how scared I am sometimes, or my weaknesses. I don't want to be labeled the sick girl. When I am honest with people and tell them I am not feeling good I get three reactions. 1. The look of pity. Like oh you poor girl, that is so sad you have to deal with that. 2. The look of sadness. The look is a great sense of sadness in people's eyes. They don't know what to do but I see it makes them sad. My Mom gives it to me a lot, she gets teary eyed, and tells me she is sorry, I hug her and say Mom it's not your fault. Better me than her right? Or anyone else I know. 3. Well only person really gives it to me, and it my wonderful husband, the look of it is okay, we all have our own issues. He looks at me with love and care, and basically the same way he does everyday. I know it doesn't change what he thinks about me. He married me knowing I had these issues, almost seven years ago.
On a good note, I have learned so much from it that I wouldn't trade it for anything. We all go through things to develop who we are, I am still learning, and will be for a long time. It will be okay...
breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
breathe out