Better.. but not.

Did you know that it is possible to feel a ton better, but not at the same time? It is. For the last let's say 10 months or so I have felt like junk day in and day out. I don't think I realized how badly I felt until now. Life becomes normal and you adjust to that new normal. And you forget how good the old good felt. It slips away and you don't remember it anymore.

I was thinking today as I was running down a driveway that I love and breathing in the fresh spring air how different life felt at the moment, and how very normal my life felt. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed just being outside and doing little things like running down a drive way. Taking a long walk and talking the whole time. Carrying multiple loads of laundry up and down the stairs. Laughing without coughing. Not using my inhaler at least hourly, well above the amount prescribed. Living life and enjoying it. Not just getting by. I forgot how good it felt to be normal and to not think about breathing. I forgot how good it felt to be me.

I am so much better.. but not. My health has improved leaps and bounds. I am so very grateful to my Heavenly Father for this blessing, and I am grateful for a husband who realized the necessity of this hardship in our life. But I miss him. I miss waking up next to him with his arms wrapped around me. I miss the playful poking. I miss his comforting hugs that always assure me it will be okay. I miss his smile. I miss his laughter. I miss his eyes which see deep into my soul. I miss our lunch time together. I miss our Friday afternoon dates, although those have been pretty lame thanks to me, they normally consisted of just hanging out at home together. I miss snuggling while watching TV. I miss our talks lying in bed late at night. I just miss him. I miss his smell. I miss my Randy. It's only been one week, and I have to keep doing this. What is good and right doesn't always equal easy or fun. Right now it is hard and lonely. No one can make up for the spot Randy has in my heart. He trumps them all.

But breathing easier is a blessing that I am so very grateful for. I feel more me than I have in a very long time. It doesn't take everything I have to get the necessities done during the day. I have energy and the breathing capacity to play outside with my kids. To be the Mom I want to always be. To be the person I want to be. And to be the wife I want to be. I have learned how vital my breathing really is for me and my well being. (Okay so it is to everyone, not just me.) But I can really see the difference. I didn't realize how much I had changed and let my stupid asthma control and define my life. I hate that. And I don't want it to be what rules my life. I am grateful for the dry desert climate. It was made for me.