My baby is 7 1/2. Do you know what that means? It has been since June of 2003 that I was pregnant. Sometimes that makes me hurt. Everywhere. It's been a long time since I learned we were done adding children to our family, and I know we made the right choice. But it doesn't take it all away.
One thing I hate about moving. People always ask about why we have two children and why we don't have more. My Little Man took fertility drugs to get here. That felt so hard at the time. Then Little Miss came on her own. Our little miracle girl. She was an answer to a prayer offered one year before. I never imagined when I was a little girl that my time to have children would be so short. That my life would be vastly different from the one I had imagined. When people ask I have to figure out the right response. Appropriate or not. We try all the time. We're done, I'm fixed. No, we don't like children. We keep praying for a miracle. Hmmm.. we hadn't even thought about that. And my list goes on and on. I really don't mind people asking. But sometimes I cry when they ask. Then they feel awkward.. I feel stupid. Sometimes I act quite callous about it. Sometimes it comes out of me like I am a machine. Sometimes it comes out with sadness, but the tears stay away. And sometimes I can't answer.
Sometimes it just hurts. But most of the time I am able to look at what I do have, the opportunities we have because of the size of our family, and the blessings we have. Would I have made the choice? Nope. But it works. It's all I know. My husband and my two wonderful children. The pain comes when I least expect it. The tears come when I think I am over it. And then I remember how blessed I am to be HERE to be there Mom. How grateful I am to be HERE and able to raise them.
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3 comments:
I am sorry that you hurt sometimes. I think people should mind their own business.And leave you alone.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Just when I think I have come to terms with it and am ok with it something will happen to remind me and it will hurt so bad. This past weekend I went to the blessing of my nephew. I was holding him and teasing my little nieces that I might have to take him home with me to snuggle and they were telling me I couldn't over and over. Finally one of them said very matter of fact, "you just need to get your own baby in your tummy so you don't take ours." It was seriously all I could do not to cry right there. I just said, "I wish I could, but I can't have babies in my tummy anymore." It was so sad... ((HUGS))
I think you are very good at recognizing what you do have, but you are human and sometimes it is easy to be sad. Your kids are great and they are lucky to have you as their mom. It's ok to be sad though.
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