Being Honest

There is something about me that has a VERY hard time admitting when things are hard. Especially admitting them publicly. And letting people know I am struggling. It's not me. I don't do that. I am a lot more private about hard things in my life. If I ignore it, if I don't talk about it, it isn't real. It works for me. Call it denial, call it what you want. It works. I manage by dealing and going through all the motions and just being me.

But right now I feel like being honest. Since June I haven't been able to stay in our Church building for more than Sacrament meeting which is one hour without having an asthma attack. Some people might be like great. Me, it sucks. I had no idea how incredibly hard this would be on, spiritually, socially, physically, emotionally. It has been one of the hardest things for me to go through. Who knew? Certainly not me.

My asthma is in what my doctor calls a hyper-sensitive state where pretty much every darn thing sets me off. Jealous, don't be. Because of that where the building has always called allergy issues it is now setting me off where I wheeze, I cough and slowly I get so I can't breathe. After a few more severe attacks I just leave as soon as I get tight. Yesterday I stayed a little longer and paid the price dearly.

Things I realize I am missing right now, and missing a lot. I miss the whole three hours of Church. I love the Spiritual uplift it brings to me. I need it. And I am trying to find my fill on my own right now. It is hard. I miss being in Primary and playing Piano. I love that calling. And I felt at home their. I miss it greatly.

I miss my friends. I feel so completely out of the loop and disconnected it's not funny. I had no idea not seeing them on Sunday's would leave me feeling like I have no clue what is going on. It does. And everyone is busy so I get it. I miss my life pre-June. But I miss that part of Church. Even when I didn't see them any other time I saw my friends at Church. I miss that.

I am so tired. Emotionally, and physically. I wish I could say this has all been rainbows and fluffy clouds. But it hasn't been. Poor Randy has had to deal with my tears more than once. I have been ready to scream, throw a fit, and just throw in the towel. And I hate to ever complain because really I have been blessed with so much in my life. But to be honest I am tired of it. I feel extreme guilt for not staying for all of Church. It isn't me. I don't do this crap. But the guilt is hard. I keep thinking if I keep trying it will get easier. It shouldn't be this hard to go to Church. Really, it shouldn't. But right now it is. I think most Sunday's I cry. Pathetic as it is. I just leave feeling like I failed. It's a hard spot to be in.

So being honest. Right now life is a struggle. Things aren't going as I would picture them. My kids plea for Mommy to get better in their prayers. And I learned yesterday to pray to endure, because right now that is all I know to do. I struggle right now because even vacuuming my house flares my asthma. Poor Randy had to clean it on Saturday because the all the cleaners flare me. I can't paint my little girls finger nails it flares me. But I am blessed with a husband who knows me. He knows that right now I am going through a hard time. He knows that we will get through this stronger, and better. And he knows right now I need him to support me, so I can get through this hard time. A time when I have struggled more than I care to admit in my life. A time when being honest leads to crocodile tears. How did I get so lucky to marry a guy who was warned if you are going to marry her, you need health insurance, always. He must really love me. I wish he didn't have to put up with this. That I wasn't broken. I couldn't have wished for a better person who is my best friend no matter what happens. Love you Randy. I am not sure what I would do without you.