Woman to Woman: Infertility and recurrent loss

Woman to Woman: Infertility and recurrent loss

I have never dealt with a miscarriage or any sort of loss of pregnancy. And my heart goes out to all of the many women who have. My Sister-in-law has had several and I have no idea how she has done it and my heart goes out to her. And I am in awe of her strength. I look at her as an example of how to deal with hard trials, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that those who have miscarried or lost children in utero, and after have felt and have dealt with. I don't think I could handle it.

I did however deal with infertility. We tried for quite a while to get Little Man, and I was on fertility drugs when we did get Little Man. It was hard when we were wanting so badly to have our first child and everywhere I turned someone I knew was pregnant and it was hard to watch. I hated waiting every month to see if I was pregnant. I tried hard to not buy pregnancy tests but I couldn't help it. I knew each month HAD to be the month. And it would pass by and I would cry. And then go on and try the next month. Finally we were at the temple and I had an overwhelming feeling I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks later I found out I was! I was thrilled, and still remember finding Randy while he was on jury duty at the Court House to tell him. We were overjoyed.

Little Miss came 18 months later without any drugs, due to other things in my life with health issues she is what we call our Little Miracle. After complications with both pregnancies and all of my weird health issues we were told we were done having kids. I scoffed at the idea. I was 23, young and "healthy".. okay maybe healthy isn't exactly right.. but I thought I was. And after reading stories of pre-eclampsia, and talking to multiple doctors, friends, people with Lupus, Bishop's, family, researching, praying I finally got an answer I was done. That our family was complete. Last year I had surgery to permanently take the option of childbearing away. It was hard and a heartbreaking choice that has been so eloquently put, My body made a choice before my heart was ready. But I knew I had to do it for my health. And there were times of sheer heartache before and after the surgery. The twangs to my heart when people ask when number 3 is coming, and I tell them we are done. And the assurance that you never know.. to which I reply actually we do. Often it is followed by a sincere apology to which I assure them it is okay no harm done and it isn't like I have a sign printed on my head saying "I'm Fixed!" In someways I have felt like I have went through infertility again.. I wanted more kids but I couldn't and live and be healthy.

This past year my heart finally caught up to my body. I look at small babies and love them. My friends announce their pregnancies and I am thrilled for them. I can't wait to buy them cute outfits or take pictures of their sweet babies. My heart has healed this past year. The sadness comes on occasion but I love the stage I am in. I love to see sweet newborns and snuggle so sweetly with them, and quickly hand them back to their Mom when the diaper needs to be changed, or they start to fuss.

To all who have had infertility my heart goes out to you, I understand the heartache. The Lord has a plan. And to those who have had recurrent loss or any at all I am so very sorry. Your strength and courage is admirable.

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