Sometimes it hurts.

In July, I had my surgery. I had my tubes tied, made it official we were done having kids. It wasn't because I didn't want more, it is because honestly my body can't handle the pregnancies. It was a hard decision. And 95% of the time I am completely okay with it.. okay maybe not completely.. but close. But there are those days where it sucks.... royally. Today is one of those.

Last night I had a dream, I was pregnant and in labor. I was trying to get to the hospital but I had this sweet little boy at home. And then we went to the temple to get him sealed to us. Weird huh? But he was perfect, and I held he and loved him and knew he was mine. It was perfect. Then I woke up.. and realized it was all a dream. It made me so sad. I wished he was mine, and it was true.

We went to Church today and I watched some of the women with their babies, and I hugged mine tighter and remembered that sweet time I had with my kids at that age. And my heart ached to have another. The days where I long for another child are filled with tears. I am more solemn and quiet, I tell everyone I am tired, because I am lost in my thoughts, and not everyone wants to hear about it.

Something magical happens when you become a Mother. It is the biggest joy in your life. Your heart grows you learn to love someone so much more than you ever knew possible. I cannot imagine my life without my two wonderful children. They are busy and crazy at times, but they are fun, they make my life complete. If life would have went my way number four would be here or would be making an arrival soon. I have friends who have kids the same age as mine and have went on to have a third.. sometimes I think why not me? Aren't I good mother too? And people asked today when number three was coming, and I had to reply never unless it is an act of God.

Most days I have peace and I am okay. I have to be okay, I made a decision and there is no going back. I am so very grateful for my two wonderful children, they are wonderful. They are my everything, there are the days I am so tired and worn out, but at the end of the day I am so thrilled with my life, the kids I have. But today.. today is in the 5% category. Tomorrow will be better.. and in time it will become less. But today.. I mourn for the kids I wanted and rejoice in those that I have.