The Luckiest..

I was 8 when I last remember really begging my Mom for a sister. I begged for a little sister, and then I realize my Mom was 40. I guess I realized then that I was destined to be that baby. And I lived it up! I took advantage of every minute of being the baby in the family. I milked it for all it was worth. And then when I was 16 my spot was revoked. Although I still declare myself the baby, and my sister the itty-bitty. I have yet to completely realize that I am not the baby of the family.

Did you know I am the luckiest? Because I am. This girl is the best sister any sister could wish for. I have always had friends talk about their sisters, and the sweet relationships they have. I envied them. I wished for that relationship. It only took sixteen years, but I prayed for a sister for many years. And finally when I resolved that my Mom was too old I quit. But my heart never quit wishing. Good thing too!
This girl is turning 13 next month. I wish I was able to celebrate it with her. But this will be arriving at her house for her bedroom. A sister. A blessing. A best friend. A sister. I am the luckiest. And my kids feel they are the luckiest having an Aunt who calls them daily just to tell them they love them.

Understanding

While I don't get why my body is doing what it is doing. I don't understand why this is going on in my life, I do have understanding of other things.

No matter how discouraged we feel, it is important to remember those feelings are not from our loving Heavenly Father. Feelings of failure, discouragement, and the false sense of being unworthy, unappreciated, and unloved are from the adversary himself. They bring us down. But when we remember the unreserved love of our Heavenly Father we are lifted and blessed. I need to remember this in my life. To allow my Heavenly Father to lift and bless me, and to have my heart open to it. Sometimes it is hard to remember.

Allison left this scripture for me, Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-3

1 VERILY I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

I didn't know how much I needed to read that. I am reminded that no matter what my prayers are heard. They do not fall on deaf ears. He hears me. He knows my heart right now. I am not alone. He gets it. And while this will pass, right now it's okay to feel like it is hard. Life isn't always easy.

And I am feeling grateful to my friends who send notes of love, call, leave fabulous blog comments, and offer to help in ways I am not even aware I need. And the prayers of my friends and family bless my sweet little family so much.

As long as I rely on Him. I remember that I can do hard thing. And this right now is a hard thing.

Being Honest

There is something about me that has a VERY hard time admitting when things are hard. Especially admitting them publicly. And letting people know I am struggling. It's not me. I don't do that. I am a lot more private about hard things in my life. If I ignore it, if I don't talk about it, it isn't real. It works for me. Call it denial, call it what you want. It works. I manage by dealing and going through all the motions and just being me.

But right now I feel like being honest. Since June I haven't been able to stay in our Church building for more than Sacrament meeting which is one hour without having an asthma attack. Some people might be like great. Me, it sucks. I had no idea how incredibly hard this would be on, spiritually, socially, physically, emotionally. It has been one of the hardest things for me to go through. Who knew? Certainly not me.

My asthma is in what my doctor calls a hyper-sensitive state where pretty much every darn thing sets me off. Jealous, don't be. Because of that where the building has always called allergy issues it is now setting me off where I wheeze, I cough and slowly I get so I can't breathe. After a few more severe attacks I just leave as soon as I get tight. Yesterday I stayed a little longer and paid the price dearly.

Things I realize I am missing right now, and missing a lot. I miss the whole three hours of Church. I love the Spiritual uplift it brings to me. I need it. And I am trying to find my fill on my own right now. It is hard. I miss being in Primary and playing Piano. I love that calling. And I felt at home their. I miss it greatly.

I miss my friends. I feel so completely out of the loop and disconnected it's not funny. I had no idea not seeing them on Sunday's would leave me feeling like I have no clue what is going on. It does. And everyone is busy so I get it. I miss my life pre-June. But I miss that part of Church. Even when I didn't see them any other time I saw my friends at Church. I miss that.

I am so tired. Emotionally, and physically. I wish I could say this has all been rainbows and fluffy clouds. But it hasn't been. Poor Randy has had to deal with my tears more than once. I have been ready to scream, throw a fit, and just throw in the towel. And I hate to ever complain because really I have been blessed with so much in my life. But to be honest I am tired of it. I feel extreme guilt for not staying for all of Church. It isn't me. I don't do this crap. But the guilt is hard. I keep thinking if I keep trying it will get easier. It shouldn't be this hard to go to Church. Really, it shouldn't. But right now it is. I think most Sunday's I cry. Pathetic as it is. I just leave feeling like I failed. It's a hard spot to be in.

So being honest. Right now life is a struggle. Things aren't going as I would picture them. My kids plea for Mommy to get better in their prayers. And I learned yesterday to pray to endure, because right now that is all I know to do. I struggle right now because even vacuuming my house flares my asthma. Poor Randy had to clean it on Saturday because the all the cleaners flare me. I can't paint my little girls finger nails it flares me. But I am blessed with a husband who knows me. He knows that right now I am going through a hard time. He knows that we will get through this stronger, and better. And he knows right now I need him to support me, so I can get through this hard time. A time when I have struggled more than I care to admit in my life. A time when being honest leads to crocodile tears. How did I get so lucky to marry a guy who was warned if you are going to marry her, you need health insurance, always. He must really love me. I wish he didn't have to put up with this. That I wasn't broken. I couldn't have wished for a better person who is my best friend no matter what happens. Love you Randy. I am not sure what I would do without you.

Sometimes I wish..

That everyday was Saturday.

For ice cream for dinner.

That this girl lived near me everyday. (Okay I wish that everyday.)

That I could always see rainbows.

That unicorns were real.

That every wish my kids made on a star would come true.

For world peace.

That Tiffany, Misty and Allison were near.

That time will freeze.

That I will never grow up.

That Randy never had to work again.

That I had a 'person' here.

That spring would last year round.

That my kids could see their favorite Aunt everyday.

That we never needed to exercise we were just really fit after eating lots of ice cream.

For silly things.

On stars for dreams I could only hope for.

For miracles to happen.

That the little things in life might be recognized more.

My crystal ball would actually work.

For my own private jet.

Or maybe my own Hot Air Balloon.

That I could hide my kids from the World, and myself too.

That my Mom was here, or I was there.

That family wasn't a days drive away.

That my kids will never give up wishing.

And neither will I.

Me Vs Van

I drive a mini van. Sometimes I wish my mini-van was anything but a mini-van. I often wish I was driving something much more me. More fun. Less blah. Something less like every other Mom. But I am practical. My van is mine. It runs well. I don't need anything else. I just like cars. And I often wish I had the money to have all the cars my little heart desired.

Right now I would like to drive something like this for my Mom car. For practical purposes. But I want it red with a white top. Totally unique. Totally me. And less blah.
But if we were going to put all practicality aside I would get this. I mean it does have four seat belts, so maybe it is practical. Today I drove this car. And it was hot. It was fast. And I think I drooled on the gorgeous red leather sears. I had forgotten how fun a car can be to drive. And how great a hot car like this truly is. I was reluctant to take it back to the dealership. I wondered if I just drove it home if they would just take my van as a fair trade. I mean it is way bigger. Sounds fair right? I wondered if I kept it for two hours if they would notice. And I tried desperately not to fall in love. But I am not sure if I succeeded.

And then I parked it. And I looked at my van. And I felt a little sorry for it. Did it know my heart was not with it anymore? That in my heart I look at it and think.. oh, it's you. That I secretly wish it would be gone in the night and something else would show up in it's place. My poor van, it doesn't have very much love.

While it isn't my ideal. While I may not love it. It is practical. It is ours. And it serves its purpose well. And so my van and I will continue on our journey with each other much longer. And I will gaze out the window and try not to lust after other cars that are less blah and more me. Because after all, it is just a car.

Oxygen..

I remember my Junior year of High School. I started to get winded often. I had a cough that wouldn't go away, and my body just didn't seem right. My Mom took me to the doctor and I was diagnosed with a variety of things. And finally after weeks of waking up short of breath, endless tests and every other thing you could imagine I was diagnosed with asthma. I was sixteen and had no idea that you could just 'get' asthma. And I had no idea how much my life would change forever.

My senior year of high school and the subsequent months after high school my asthma was crazy out of control. I landed my butt in the hospital more times than I care to admit, sometimes in the ER, and sometimes admitted and treated for days at a time. Who knew that breathing could be so hard?! Who knew that oxygen was completely vital.. and something I would have to focus on getting?! Okay I knew it was vital.. but seriously I never imagined having to focus on breathing so much. Breathe in, breathe out.

I continued on a course with ER visits and many problems over the years. Finally Advair came out and I became the poster child for Advair.

Before Advair=not breathing.

After Advair=breathing like a rockstar!

Let's fast forward to last year. We moved. We moved far away and moved to one of the worst places in the nation for allergies and for asthma. Awesome huh? And my Advair has failed me. Over the past year I have watched my lungs slip back to where they were when I was a Senior in high school. Slip back to extreme irritation and rapid reactions. I walked up my stairs last night and it took all my effort to get the oxygen in and out. I used my handy dandy inhaler and rested a bit before washing my face. As I stood in the bathroom staring in the mirror I remembered life before. I remembered walking up the stairs when I was 15 and not having a problem. Running and not wheezing. Doing whatever I wanted without coughing my head off. And I wondered why it came on so late in life. To be honest I think having it forever would be easier. I remembered life before doctors considered me a severe asthmatic. When fires didn't cause me to gasp. When cleaners didn't make it impossible for me to breathe. When mold didn't cause an instant attack. When everything outdoors didn't cause me to have to focus on breathing. I remembered life before my nebulizer. Life before my inhaler became my best friend. Life before tons of asthma/allergy drugs everyday. Life before.

Last night I missed my life before. Last night I was ready for my life before to come back. And this life where oxygen is often a constant thought to be a thing of the past. I wondered if my kids will have my same fate? I sure hope not. And then I went to bed. Wishing that it this things wasn't a part of my life. And that I could just get new lungs. Wouldn't that be nice?

And then I woke up this morning. I grabbed my inhaler took a hit before I could go anywhere, stumbled down the stairs and focused on breathing and catching my breath. And I was reminded of the little things in life. My children who are compassionate and willing to help Mom in any way. They know to grab my nebulizer when I need it. They will willingly find my inhaler when I lose it. I am reminded that life could be much worse. While this is a trial for me, many other people suffer much worse. And how blessed I am to be born now when there are medicines that open my airways and make it so I can breathe. Had I been a pioneer I would have died a million times by now. While I like oxygen to flow in easily. And I like not thinking breathe in.. breathe out.. relax.. just breathe. I am grateful for my blessings... and my trials.

Happily Ever After

Ten Years. It seems like a long time when I think about it. It sounds like a long time. But it feels like it has flown by faster than I can blink.

Ten Years ago we didn't have this boy.

Ten Years ago we didn't have this girl.
Ten Years ago we had each other. We were married for time and all eternity in the Portland, Oregon Temple. Ten Years ago I started my happily ever after.

To celebrate our Ten Year we spent the whole day together. We went to the dermatologist for me.. where I now have two stitches on my forehead. So stupid. Thankfully my hair covers it! We ate at a fabulous Bagel Shop for lunch. We watched a movie at home. We took our kids out to dinner with us. And then we hit a concert. Randy won tickets to Blink 182 with Panic at the Disco, and Fall Out Boy. He also won backstage passes. Lucky boy! We learned that backstage passes are really overrated. Sadly we weren't allowed to take any pictures with Blink 182 or of them. We did get an autograph.. I wanted a picture, not an autograph. But whatever. We enjoyed the experience.

I don't have any pictures of Panic at the Disco. I wasn't allowed to bring in my nice big camera, I brought the little point and shoot. It did pretty good. I like some of Panic at the Disco's music, but they definitely weren't my favorite band.

Fall Out Boy did a good show. Check out the lights!

We were ready for Blink 182 to come out! And we were excited. Can you tell?
And they came out. And they rocked it.

And then our night came to an end.

And tonight I go to bed feeling like a Princess. A Princess who has her Happily Ever After. I married the right guy for me. The one who loves me more than anyone else. The one who I love the most. The one who keeps me laughing all of the time. After ten years I couldn't be any luckier! Love you babe!

...and they lived happily ever after.

A few things

I have decided that all blog posts are better with pictures. If you don't want to be overwhelmed with pictures of my children run away. I like pictures, they make me happy. I like sharing my pictures so you can pretend if you are far away you are really seeing us. And are up on all that is going on. This is a typical Sunday picture after Church when we are enjoying family time. The kids are wearing whatever outfit they want. Little Miss may, or may not match. Little Man doesn't do much better. They are outside with the dogs playing and happy. And often they have Kool-Aid mustaches. The way summer should be.
Another thing. I really thought I was going to have a hard time with both of my children in school. I miss them. It's quiet. It's totally different than what my life has been the last almost eight years. But I am finding things to keep my busy. And I love that I have time to get all the things done I need to before they are home. (Not that it always happens.. but hopefully I will get better at that.) And when they are home it is all about them. I love that!

I keep thinking I need to be a little more hmm.. what's the word. Dare I say.. crafty? I am not sure if that is the right word, but I want to do more creative things. Maybe? I keep thinking I need a project. I need to sew something. Or make something. I am still not sure what though.

And lastly. I am loving the warm weather. But this time of year always makes me want to bust out my fall clothes. But I am wearing my shorts as long as I can. I will grow tired of my fall clothes long before winter is over. And I will miss my warm summer days. So I am fighting it, and enjoying my shorts a while longer.

Two Front Teeth

They have been wiggly for months. I have wanted them out. I love this toothless grin. She has wanted them out. And I was sick of them wiggling in all directions. Tonight she let Randy pull them out. She couldn't be happier. And neither could I.

Colts Game!

Our seats were high. Way.up.high. We were closer to the roof, than we were to the field. But we had a fabulous view of everything. It was amazing to see the sea of blue. Colts fans are loyal. I was amazed at the amount of people in Colts jersey's. It was crazy.

They had the roof open, it was hot. (I loved that it was hot.) And we could look out and see part of the city in front of us. The stadium was packed with loyal Colts fans. And me. I was just there for the experience and for the pictures. Let's be real. I loved looking out across the Stadium and the field.

Little Miss and Little Man were so excited to be there. You can feel it right?
I was so excited to get pictures of the Colts in action. I must admit being that high up.. we were on the 600 level it.. it was hard for me to keep track of the ball. Much less pay attention to anything that was going on. But I could get pictures. And really for me, that's all that matters.
Randy was loving the game. He was enthralled and enjoyed being at an NFL game. His second one ever. A first for the rest of us.
Little Man took advantage of binoculars. He kept telling me what the cheerleaders and mascots were doing.
And a self-portrait of Randy and I. I didn't wear blue. I think I might have been the only one.
And lastly we left after the third quarter. It was late. The kids were tired. And the Colts were losing horribly. It wasn't going to turn around. And we were ready to get home. We got a quick family picture in front of Lucas Oil and then headed home. Even though we left early it still took us a very long time to get home. It was fun. We loved it.

Blue Friday

Blue Friday. That is what today is. Or at least I am told it is. Every Friday while the Colts are playing people wear Blue, and they wear their jersey's if they have them. I don't have one.. and I am quite fine with that. But the kids have them. And Randy has one also.

We are so excited for the first game, and even more excited that we are going to be there. The kids can't wait for school to be over today so we can go to their first NFL game. And frankly, neither can I.

Back to School.. Back to School..

To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool.. I got my lunch packed up.. My boots tied tight.. I hope I don't get in a fight... Back to school.. back to school..

Okay that's not why my kids are going back to school. But I always think it. And since this is my blog.. we have to get my thoughts on it. And one more thing. Because it is my blog. I get to share a shameless amount of pictures of my children on this first day of school. We will start with Little Miss. She chose this outfit and loves it. I feel it totally suits her. Our Pink Princess.



Little Man has new faces for pictures. A total cheese smile. It rocks. Let me tell you. On occasion I get his real smile. It normally takes me talking about his current crush or pretending to fart. He loves that one. Classy. I know.

This is the only picture I have of him before school.. the busy was eight minutes early. How dare they cut into my photo time with my son. Don't they know I am on a mission?

After school the kids were all smiles! They loved their first day. My big 2nd Grader.
My big 1st Grader. She loved eating lunch at school.
This is a true smile from Little Man. He is dreaming about his crush. Cracks me up.
And a few sibling pictures. Little Man wasn't so sure about this... but then he realized no matter what it was going to happen. And Little Miss was happy to snuggle up close and get her fair share of camera time.



And with this they were done.

The kids loved their first day back. They cannot wait until tomorrow. And I am proud to say I did quite well. I missed them. But I didn't cry. I kept myself busy and they day was quite productive.

He's Mine!

Do you know how lucky I am? I do. Most of the time. Occasionally I forget and then I remember again very quickly. Randy. My husband. Is by far the best guy in the world. Hands down. He is the hottest man. And he has my heart completely. How lucky am I? He's mine!

And I even have proof to show you how hot he is. Check him out. But not too closely. He is still mine.

She adores her Daddy. He is her hero.

He still makes my heart flutter. And my palms sweat.
He wants to be just like his Daddy when he grows up. He is his hero.
I am not sure I say it enough. Or express it enough. I am grateful that you Randy are mine. I count you amongst my blessing every night. Loved you yesterday. Love you still. Always have. Always will.

These are pictures from our downtown shoot. More to come.

I'm a Total Baby

Thanks Alan for the picture!

Today we went with friends on a fabulous float trip down a river.. can I call it a river? A creek is more like it. But it was fun. We sat on tubes.. We laughed. We had fun. We relaxed. We giggled. And me.. I cried. But just a teeny bit with my sunglasses on.

We were on the 'beach' and a big old bumble bee stung me. Now when I was a kid, I was stung SEVERAL times. I have had a variety of reactions.. and eventually was told I needed an epi-pen with me because of those darn bees. But it has been several years since a bee has stung me.. and while I have an epi-pen with me in my purse for various reasons.. I didn't take one with me today. And I got stung. And right on the tip of my index finger. It hurt. A lot. In fact I screamed. LOUDLY. And my friends quickly rushed to help me. They are angels like that. Beth got mud to put on my finger to help. And I kept thinking this hurts WAY more than I ever remember when I was a kid. And holy crap... what if I am really allergic... what if I need my epi-pen. Doesn't look like it will do me any good now. And I know I panicked. And I stood there freaking myself out more and more.. and I could feel my eyes starting to water. I was grateful I had my sunglasses on, I was hoping no one would notice my sheer panic and hysteria. Because I was about ready to lose it. And after a couple of minutes I was still breathing. My finger had only swelled slightly and I figured I wasn't going to die, or have a horrific reaction.

So, I calmed down. YAY ME! I like to pretend I didn't completely freak out. But I did. I like to pretend that because I had sunglasses on no one saw my eyes welling up with tears. But I am sure they did. I like to pretend I was calm and cool. But I wasn't. So let's face it. Me+Bee=Cry Baby Freak Out.

The rest of the float was uneventful. It was peaceful. The kids loved every minute of it. We saw hawks or eagles... or some sort of big birds flying. There is something serene and peaceful about floating down a creek and just enjoying nature. And I enjoyed seeing a new part of Indiana.

Not the best blogger..

But I have been busy. I have a fabulous back to school picture special going right now. Go HERE to learn all about it.

I have tons of pictures to edit. And I mean tons. Some for my clients.. and some for me. Mine always come last. My Dad had heart surgery last week. It went wonderful. We feel blessed. I know that prayers were answered and he is recovering beautifully. Thankfully it wasn't open heart but it was still scary nonetheless.

Summer vacation is over in one week. ONE WEEK. I am still in shock. Where did the summer go? Did you know we didn't break 90 once in July. And only 5 times in June. Sad huh? I think so. What kind of summer is that? Not the right kind for me. I want my heat. And I am sad my kids are going back to school for all.day.long. I am going to miss having them around running wild. But they are both counting down the days until school is back in session.

My husband is the most awesome guy ever. I often wonder how I got so lucky. Lately I have been feeling extremely blessed to be married to my best friend. To someone who knows me better than I know me. To someone I can always count on. To someone who keeps me laughing all of the time. To someone who believes I am better than I really am.

And today I am feeling grateful. Grateful for my family. My children are the biggest blessing in my life. My parents are wonderful. I love seeing them, and miss them greatly when they are gone. My sister is the best sister anyone could have. Hands down. I have wonderful in-laws who love me with all my quirks. I have wonderful brothers who I see rarely but love dearly. I am grateful for the blessings of an eternal family. And for my eternal family to be so awesome. How did I get so lucky?

Did you know?

That August is here. How did this happen? Where did June and July go? Why didn't I blog more so I can remember those months better. How did this happen? My kids go back to school in eleven days. Are you serious? I am not ready. But they are. The summer has flown by entirely too fast. Hopefully. And this is a lovely thought. Hopefully I will find time to update more about our lives. To keep a better record of all the randomness that and the crazy things I think and do. Welcome August. You came to soon.

Hey Guess What?

I have a fabulous new photography blog. I love it! And I am so excited to share it. Update your bookmarks and make sure you check it out. Go to www.photographybyleeann.com/blog

Tell your friends. And leave some blog love.

Downtown

Indianapolis has a fabulous downtown. A downtown I rarely go to. And a downtown that I thought would be fabulous for family pictures. And here are a few that I love. Tons more to come!

Happiness is

Answering the phone to talk with a friend from back home.  And then turning around to see a box on your fireplace.  A box you have dreamt about.  A box you have lusted after.  A box you have fantasized over.  A box that brings complete happiness.  A box that makes you completely lose your train of thought and ramble like an idiot to your friend and make so sense at all.  

Happiness is the new iMac sitting on my desk in front of me right now.  

Thank you love.  You surprised me completely.  And now I will only lust after you Randy.  Only you.

Four

Four liters of lovely shampoo. I just recently purchased Iso Bouncy Cleanse, and Matrix Essentials Sleek Look. Iso is the most wonderful smelling shampoo ever. But the Color Me Sexy, and American Crew we still quite new. I love my salon shampoos. So much that I only by them. Anything else makes my hair cringe. I am quite the shampoo snob. I fully admit this. But without it, my curls freeze, my head dries up, and my hair looks horrendous.

This sweet girl loves to take long showers. Doesn't she look like an angel? This sweet girl took an extra long shower today. She loves her bubbles. While in the shower this sweet girl dumped all four bottle of shampoo all the way down the drain. Just so she could have extra bubbles. She is in some trouble. I am not happy. But she is six. She thoroughly enjoyed herself. And she will be doing extra chores to work off all of my wonderful shampoo.

Chrysanthemum

I have a fabulous friend. She is uber talented. She is super creative. She has some serious sewing skills. And she sells some of her fabulous creations. I decided to splurge and get myself a new funky big purse. Something I can use when I am on a fun outing with the kids. Something I can throw my camera in and still have room. Something different than my boring purses that are from Penney's from over three years ago. Something funky and fun. And I found it.

It is so fabulous you should get one for yourself. I love my Chrysanthemum. Thanks Kristie for being so amazingly talented and for selling your beautiful creations! So go here to Wild Coriander and place your order. Mine only took three days to come. It was a happy day at my home today.



My kids snapped some pictures of me so I could share. But at least you get to see my fabulous bag!