1 Year Ago

One year ago today's I posted about this, it was a joyous time. My beloved camera was finally in my possession. I had wanted one for months, and I was constantly showing Randy the best deals I could find all. of. the. time. I think he got so sick of it he brought it home so I would shut up and leave him alone. It worked! I still love my camera as much as I did the day I got it. And I have since acquired more lenses and a flash with two more lenses coming soon. I can't wait! And if things go to my plan it will be getting a new sister this year to accompany us everywhere we go.

I had no idea what getting my camera would do for me. I mentioned yesterday it brought me joy, and it has brought so much needed joy. And it has healed my heart. Not the actual camera, but photography.

I dreamed of having a big family. I would have a minimum of 4 kids and hopefully more. It was all going to be perfect. Then due to health issues (trying to die while pregnant) every doctor said we were done. I was betrayed by my own body. It had failed me. With all of my health issues I have never felt like my body was betraying me, but when I realized I couldn't have more kids I felt betrayed and like I was a complete failure at the one dream I had. My not being able to have more kids changed how I viewed myself and my body. I felt as if I was defined as a failure. It hurt. I cringed when I was asked when we were having more because I felt like everyone else could see my failure also.

This past year I have had the chance to bring my art back into my life. I used to paint, and I love to paint. My parents have my paintings and art is a passion of mine. I had shoved it back and down for so long because I didn't have the time. I decided with my camera I would start doing what I love, taking pictures and do something I know I am good at. It started slowly and I read and learned to understand everything my camera would do and also everything photoshop could do for me. I have taken over 44 pictures for other people in the past year. I had no idea it was that many until I just looked, (this includes my 5 weddings.) Somewhere along the way this year my heart was healed. I no longer feel that I am a failure. The number of kids I have does not define me, and my children are by no means a failure of my body. They are wonderful beautiful miracles. Capturing the moments people want to remember and taking the time to get to know people and learn about each family has brought a sense of peace and joy that I needed. I needed to have something I was good at that was mine. It was separate from that of a mother, separate from that of a wife, it was me. Nothing less, nothing more. A part of me that I lost so long ago was brought back and I feel whole. I no longer feel I have failed. Who knew what this camera would do, and that I needed it oh so much? I never imagined the healing it would bring to me when I got it one year ago. I felt guilt that Randy spent that much money on me, but I was thrilled.

Every infant, child, family, couple, wedding, that I take pictures of is forever imprinted in my heart. I love that I am getting to know so many more people and that they share parts of their life with me. I can't wait to see all that comes from 2008.